It occurred to me during my fast today for Yom Kippur that I have not formally atoned for my transgressions against certain people throughout the year 5766. So now, as I’ve fasted for the day (first time I’ve actually observed Yom Kippur in any discernable fashion in many a decade), permit me to apologize to the following people, who no doubt will learn of my transgressions against them for the very first time upon reading this post:
1. Julie, I’m sorry I’ve referred to you repeatedly as the Shamrock Whore (even though I will likely do it again and again). It’s sophomoric and puerile, but with my extensive vocabulary I often need to find new ways of expressing myself. And with your fascination with prostitute fashion, makeup and glitter, it could not be helped. If it makes you feel better, I didn’t invent that description of you. I just spread its popularity.
2. City of Johnstown, I’ve made a lot of cracks at your expense (A LOT). I’ve harped on your love of pierogi pizzas; your small-town ways; your insane statistics for teenage pregnancy; your silly rules for purchasing liquor or beer, but never in the same store; the multitude of women I’ve seen with no teeth; how you embrace cigarettes so much, that pregnant mothers will light up right in front of the entrance to the hospital; how everything follows a process; how the sun almost never shines for months at a time; your sundowners. But seriously, we had great neighbors that we got along with; a great house; good friends; and Logan is a Johnstown native — and that’s going to be with her for the rest of her life. So it’s not like we’re not grateful.
3. Japan, we had a rough introduction. I’ve said a lot of things about you as a country and your stupid passengers on the Friday rush hour train in Tokyo that aren’t flattering. But that’s because your people were total douches to me and my friends. Spitting on me because I’m fat? I mean, seriously, I’m sorry that you’re such a douche.
4. Suzy, I’m sorry I was an idiot in Tokyo and had to spend almost $4K on my credit card to get out of Nigerian gangster’s club alive. Not that it makes you feel better, but it really was a shitty birthday and I would have rather spent it with you (which would have probably avoided the whole Nigerian gangster’s strip club in the first place).
5. Karl and Noelle, I’ve said some pretty hurtful things that friends should never say about other friends, and I’ve said those things behind your backs, and I apologize. But I haven’t said them this last year, so semi-sike — I’m not atoning for those statements (though, in truth, my apology is sincere).
6. Kass Management company, I’ve said a lot of very hurtful things about you and they are very true. Our building has a leaky roof, our electric to the building has to be barely legal (if that), you haven’t fixed my bathtub, you hardly ever mow the side lot, you’ve lied to me repeatedly about fixing the garage — basically, you, too, are douches. Maybe it’s the landlords. I’m not sure. But I do know that you’re not quite as straight-up about fixing shit as you are about selling shit. I’m sorry you’re such douches.
7. Dierdre/Ali — I’m sorry I brought sexy back.
8. Daneal, I’m sorry I doubted your cooking. I thought Kevin said you couldn’t cook, but he was douche-like in that assessment (if memory serves). You cook very well. Your pesto and your Japanese rice kick ass.
9. Quinn/Darren/Trupia/Hank/Chad/Adam — not that you care, but I’m sorry I stole some of your music off of your iTunes shared library using OurTunes. Please take it as a compliment, and not a willful transgression against applicable copyright laws.
10. Schultz, I’m sorry I stole your mouse out of your cube and never gave it back to you. I can only guess that it drove you to madness that your MX500 Logitech mouse went missing from your cube, and it’s little comfort that only now, almost a full year after the fact, is the mystery finally resolved. I’m totally klepto.
11. Santi, even though I really didn’t transgress against you, I’m sorry I talked you into taking the job at NogginLabs, because you’re in a jam and ultimately, as your boss, the failure is mine to assume, but unfortunately your fate was tied to my suckiness as a boss. I will be happy to work alongside you forever and a day, but I won’t be your boss, because it’s just too fucking painful to see you pay the price for my poor judgment. I may be well intentioned, but I’m a douche.
Wow. I feel SOOOO much better now that I’ve unloaded my transgressions.